march 11, 2016.

Picked up some new shoes after a wonderful experience at BlackToe Running (A++, highly recommend) and gave them a whirl with Adrian tonight. The shoes? Awesome. The shin splints? Nearly all gone. My run? Painful.
The first half was physically painful. The second half was emotionally unpleasant. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was when I started this journey. Mostly because I’m finally at the point with my therapist where I’m able to look back on a lot of painful, awful, muddy stuff with a clearer mind and a little bit of humour. But also because I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how to stay motivated in regards to the gym and being active.
The truth is, working out often hurts. It’s uncomfortable, painful sometimes, sweaty and gross and there’s heartburn and sore muscles and running noses and tears. I can’t think of a single workout where some muscle didn’t go “what the f do you think you’re doing there, lady?” But 6 months ago I would have done anything to feel something. I spent months in a fog of numbness. The only emotions I seemed to feel were disgust for myself and frustration at my inability to do anything about it. I would wrap myself in a protective blanket of sadness and insulate myself from feeling.
So now when I’m out for a run or lifting heavy stuff or pushing myself at a class my inner voice mostly complains about the hard work and uncomfortableness but there’s a steady, quiet voice that’s so grateful to be feeling again. Whether it’s simply the sun on my face or the wind whipping around my head, the burning sensation in my chest or the pride in my accomplishments, I’m just happy to be feeling it.


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