march 11, 2016.

Picked up some new shoes after a wonderful experience at BlackToe Running (A++, highly recommend) and gave them a whirl with Adrian tonight. The shoes? Awesome. The shin splints? Nearly all gone. My run? Painful.
The first half was physically painful. The second half was emotionally unpleasant. I’ve been thinking a lot about where I was when I started this journey. Mostly because I’m finally at the point with my therapist where I’m able to look back on a lot of painful, awful, muddy stuff with a clearer mind and a little bit of humour. But also because I’ve been getting a lot of questions about how to stay motivated in regards to the gym and being active.
The truth is, working out often hurts. It’s uncomfortable, painful sometimes, sweaty and gross and there’s heartburn and sore muscles and running noses and tears. I can’t think of a single workout where some muscle didn’t go “what the f do you think you’re doing there, lady?” But 6 months ago I would have done anything to feel something. I spent months in a fog of numbness. The only emotions I seemed to feel were disgust for myself and frustration at my inability to do anything about it. I would wrap myself in a protective blanket of sadness and insulate myself from feeling.
So now when I’m out for a run or lifting heavy stuff or pushing myself at a class my inner voice mostly complains about the hard work and uncomfortableness but there’s a steady, quiet voice that’s so grateful to be feeling again. Whether it’s simply the sun on my face or the wind whipping around my head, the burning sensation in my chest or the pride in my accomplishments, I’m just happy to be feeling it.

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march 8, 2016.

The ever lovely Jessica Blaine Smith sent this card my way a few weeks ago (thank you, Jess!) and it brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me. I know I post a lot on social media about this journey but privately it’s been difficult for me to acknowledge how hard I’ve been working or how tough things are. Change sucks, working out sucks (sometimes) and meal planning healthy meals week after week is rough. It gets easier, for sure, and the rewards are most definitely worth it but the day to day is not always sunshine and roses. Or cardio and kale. Thanks for reaching out, Jess. Your card made me take a few moments and give myself a pat on the back.

 

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february 27, 2016.

I was going to hashtag this with ‪#‎humblebrag‬ but you know what, this brag is big and bold and not at all humble. This morning I did a BodyPump class, followed by a BodyAttack class and then I ran/walked at my best pace yet. I know, it’s horribly slow. I’m sure my running friends might not even call this a run, more like a shuffle. But I did it. I shaved almost a minute off my average pace. Did I want to go to the gym today? Nope. Did I want to go for a run after the sunset and all my motivation had set with it? Not in the least. But I feel amazing and awesome and so proud of myself.

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february 21, 2016.

My weight loss has been plateauing for a bit.  I’ll be honest, it sucks.  So we’re shaking things up by trying out Cross Fit (at our friend’s amazing gym) and I’ve been taking a hard look at my sleep (which is really crappy) and my stress levels (also super crappy).  In a lot of ways overhauling our diet and exercise was a lot easier than putting myself first and making time for self care and proper sleep.  Funny how that works, eh?

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february 8, 2016.

So there’s that. Two lofty, ambitious fitness goals that I’ve been working towards, dreaming about, visualizing almost every night. At the end of April I’ll be running 10k in Mississauga and over Thanksgiving I’ll be giving the Okanagan half marathon a go. If you are in either of these places at those times I’d love to see/hear you along the route or at the finish.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in an exercise rut.  Signing up for these races has been a great motivator to try something different and set a goal that’s not related to the scale.  I’ve been following a very simple walk/run program and it’s so exciting to get through each week feeling stronger than the last.  The numbers on the scale have been slow to move these past few weeks so it’s been nice to focus on something else.

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january 20, 2016.

It took me months and months (maybe even years) to finally take the first step on this journey. The challenges that came with just putting one foot in front of the other towards my goals felt insurmountable. I thought just getting going, establishing good habits, was going to be the most difficult part. But honestly, the past few weeks have been the hardest. Many tears of have been shed. Mostly at the gym, sometimes at home, a lot of the time alone. The numbers on the scale aren’t falling like they used to. I still have the same struggles with self hatred. I went shopping for some new clothes and was the SAME F’ING SIZE. 55 pounds gone and I am still wearing the same size. I melted down in Addition-Elle and just wanted to escape. Run away. From everything.

I want to be honest and lay this out there so those of you who are in the same boat know that you are not alone. The steps towards health (physical and mental) can be simple but they are certainly not easy. Showing myself kindness and grace is the hardest thing I have ever done. It still seems impossible to think I will ever like myself fully.

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september 25, 2015.

Scale September 2015

 

This was my breaking point.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a heavy gal. My weight has always felt like a force outside of my control. If only I could shop in a regular clothing store, I’d be happy. If only I fit into an airplane seat without fear, I’d be a more confident person. If only my thighs didn’t rub together, I’d be able to look at myself in the mirror.

The darkness and the sadness has always been there, hand in hand with my extra weight. Partners in making me feel like crap. The driving force behind my unhealthy relationship with food, the only unquestioning comfort in my life. Feeling awesome? Make some nachos! Feeling awful about yourself? Soothe that with some ice cream. Hate yourself and the way you look? Put some cheese on those feelings and eat them away.

Over the past few years things have slowly slid out of control. As the darkness and sadness took over more and more of my days, I gained weight. And as I gained weight I withdrew from all the things I used to enjoy. Lately I am amazed when anyone treats me like a real human being. How can they not see the same ugly worthless blob that I see in the mirror?

I stopped seeing friends, my workflow and clients suffered. I unfollowed friends on IG and FB because seeing their happiness just underlined my own pain. I picked fights with the love of my life, in a feeble attempt for him to leave me. Getting out of bed was an accomplishment, one that I usually celebrated with a hefty lunch and a slice of pie. I knew I was approaching my bottom, I just didn’t know what it was going to look like.

I knew I had to see just how far I’d slid since I last weighed myself almost two years ago and when I saw the “Error” message I knew what it meant, but it took me a while and a lot of tears to admit it to myself. I weigh more than the maximum weight the scale could hold. My fatness is unmeasurable.

So why the pity party on social media? When you hit rock bottom it’s like a mirror, reflecting all the ugliness, all the parts of your life that you’ve stuffed away in leftover pizza boxes hoping never to see again.

Instead of turning my back and attempting to walk around it all for the millionth time, I’m working through it. All of it. The self hate, the turning to food to comfort me, the jealousy of others successes. It’s been a painful journey, but I’m on it. Everyday, one step at a time.

I’m eating clean, exercising everyday, tracking everything in and out. I know I’ve got a very well connected group of friends here, so I’m asking you for your help! Know a great nutritionist? Trainer? A gym class you love? Want to go for a hike one weekend? Take a healthy cooking class with me? I’m up for it all. Hopefully by being honest about what’s been going on with me we can reconnect in an emotionally and physically healthy way. I know I can’t do this on my own. But with the help of those around me I know I’m going to do awesome.

Calla